Excited Again!

I have finished my exams.
Well my January exams and aren't i just glad,glad,G-LAD!
That's why i haven't posted anything lately.
I am uber happy at the moment. Mostly because of the penultimate ending of my exams.
(I say penultimate because i have another set of exams to sit in May)
And also because i can catch up on my reading.
I would like to say that Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman is an EXTREMELY good book.
Right now, she's topping my favourite author's list.
And i thought i should take a moment to acknowledge her brilliancy in writing.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot. About many things.
Some completely irrelevant, others that are really interesting.
Come this July, i'll be 17 and i am really excited about that.
The more i think about Journalism the more i really want to work in the journalism industry when i get older.
I'm so excited about it!!!

After i'm done with high school i'm meant to go on holiday to Kenya.
Still not entirely sure if I'm going.
However, this girl is extremely excited at the prospects of it happening.
First i get to see all my friends, some special, some random, but i still love them all, and i get to see my family.
Well I live with my mother at the moment and as much as its "super-great", just me and her, it'd be SUPER AWESOME if i was in Kenya.
I miss it so much. I like Bristol but i Love Kenya.
Huge distinction between like and love.
Only problem is that i won't have as much time as i thought i would because i need to be back in time for college.
Another problem is that there are complications to my going. Yes, complications to going on holiday and seeing all my friends, past acquaintances, past.....well, i'll leave it at friends.
What complications?
Well, you know that thing called life? That sometimes creepy, sometimes nice thing?
Well, life at the moment has dealt me a very rubbish pack of cards. Rubbish in the sense of, "Okay!Great i've got all these amazing things happening but...wait....I can't actually do anything with them!"
Does that make any sense?
Heh, if you're scrunching your face and shaking your head, be consoled in knowing that I did the same.
So my complication is life.
Isn't it everyone's?

But bottom line i am so happy and excited.
Not at the prospect of going to Kenya(WOO HOO)-Even though it is rather exciting.
But because i'm able to laugh at some things in my life and wonder,
"Wow, I am a really messed up person but I'm glad that I can just laugh about it."
That's just how I am.
Like when I'm nervous, I tend to laugh a lot. Sometimes I even shiver.
Yes, shiver. Weird huh?
Anyway I'm glad to be writing here again.
It always gives me a sense of relief.


Quote for the Day
"When you depart from me sorrow abides, and happiness takes his leave. "
-William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing.

Monday the 25th

Today has been beyond horrible.
First the exam i took today was unbelieveably hard.
It was not at all pleasing.
Then for some reason today certain people decided they were going to pick on me.
Not bully or anything, because i honestly don't think any of them have the guts to.
I wouldn't tolerate being bullied.
So anyway they decide to pass rude remarks, because they are stupid,immature and have the brain size of a speck of dust.
I was having an average day till one person dimmed all the brightness in my little bulb.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like being disturbed when i'm not in a good mood or being messed around with!
So you can imagine my mood when all these things happened to me!!
Honestly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I seriously cannot wait to be over and done with high school.
Hopefully i'll be rid of immature idiots like the ones i have to deal with on a day to day basis.

Can't Wait.

I honestly cannot wait to finish high school.
To finish my exams and to finally get a break.
Because i honestly need it.
I can't wait for June. When i'll finally be done.
And perhaps a billion times happier.
I really cannot wait!
Please Time, Please go faster.
Hurry along!



Quote for the Day
"Patience is not only a virtue, but an acquired trait."
-Christian Calhoun.

Caring.

There's a time in life when you grow up and realize that its time to stop caring what other people think of you.
Because if everyone went through life waiting for approval from others, we'd still be living in the stone age.
No development, no nothing.
You know how superman's weakness is kryptonite?
Well mine is caring too much.
Yup. That's me.
So i've made a decision....a rather drastic one.
My dearest friend helped me as well. She's an inspiration in my life and i don't know if i could go through some things without her there.
She's beyond the definition of a true friend.
So i'm going to say no.
This is gonna hurt some people. Actually two in particular but i need to do it.
And i need to know that i'll be in a situation that grows me.
Life isn't all fun and games,
Life isn't a movie.
And i'm not too sure someone in particular, realizes that.
And i can't sit around waiting for the time that he does.
I'm terrible at doing these sort of things.
But if he reads this, this is what i want to say.


Dear Friend,
Its been very good getting to know you. We sure have had some good times together.
I'll never forget that.
I took a lot of risk allowing myself to fall for you.
It was only momentarily as i realized, me ever dating you would hurt someone else....my friend.
So how long have i been pretending to like you?
One week.So far.
Why didn't i tell you?
I don't want to break your heart. I....I.....I can't be the girl you want me to be because that's not me. I'm real. I'm not a cut-out from High School Musical.
I'm not perfect. And i'm afraid you've put me on a pedastal.
I'm too up high that i can't see the ground below.
I hate me at the moment so i won't mind if you do too.
Please realize that this is for the best.
We're both going separate paths at the moment and it only makes sense if we cut any connection between us.
I dont expect you to forgive me or to even talk to me but, I'm sorry.
Sorry for not fulfilling any potential duties of a girlfriend.
Sorry that you might not even read this.
Sorry for ever liking you in the first place.

From,
Me.


Quote?
"Caring is my downfall. And it will always be my weakness."
That's my own.

Movies!

I am undoubtedly addicted to movies.
Especially rom-coms!
And comedy.
And action.
Heck, i love movies, and if it's a great film i'll definitely watch it.
Anyway so at the moment i really want to watch 500 Days of Summer.
I still haven't watched it yet because of all of life's many circumstances.
But i intend on stocking up on my movie's for after June.
When i'll be done with high school and i can go on a movie marathon!
(I am incredibly excited-just thinking about it makes me smile)



Anyway, another movie i want to watch is The Ugly Truth.
And why this movie you may ask?
One name.
Gerard Butler.

Okay so i must admit, i have a thing for cliche-love movies.
There i said it!
Now honestly who doesn't?
Okay so maybe there are a couple of people who don't but i think its always nice to see a happy ending if it isn't happening in your life. And even if it is, seeing a cliche-love movie will only make you want to like/love your relationship more!
And then there's the off chance that you just like the movie.
No hidden intention towards watching it, just the fact that you enjoy it.
And that's me.

There is one movie i haven't been able to stop watching.
And everytime i do, i always end up laughing my head off.
And what movie is that you may ask?
Well, it's, Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Honestly, like seriously, this movie is BEYOND AMAZING!

Maybe its the fact that i love Kristen Bell and i think she's an amazing actress.
But no, thats not it.
Its the fact that;
1. Jason Segel is in it.
2. He's an amazing actor.
3. Russel Brand's accent is made fun of by Kunu/Chuck(Paull Rudd) saying,
"You sound like you're from London!"
Obviously, this is said in one of the most annoying and funniest impressions of
an English accent i have ever heard.
4. It is so funny!And i cannot, i repeat CANNOT stop laughing whenever i watch it.
Even though i have watched it over ten times now.

But really anything Jason Segel stars in i will pretty much love.
And when did i start loving his acting?
In How I Met Your Mother of course!
Its not a movie but a show that i LOVE!
Funny how i love so many things huh?
But honestly, among my favourite shows which are: Scrubs, One Tree Hill, Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, HIMYM is number one on the list.
Goodness i could go on and on talking about HIMYM but i need to go and watch it now.
Then go study after.
So if you haven't watched any of the movies i've mentioned please do, then you can tell me if they're any good.
And if you haven't ever watched any of the shows i've mentioned.....
WHERE DO YOU LIVE AND WHY ISN'T YOUR T.V WORKING?
hehehehe
Basically i'm telling you to watch them.

Quote for Now.
Barney-
"I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year."

We Are.

We are two people.
We share a past and an indefinite future.
We have fun-we're always happy.
We're crazy to say the least.
We're not sure about ourselves.
We're afraid of showing our emotions to the world.
We're simply afraid. Of loss. Of hurt. Of love.
We're still growing. Not together but apart.
We're not like the rest.
We dream. Big dreams.
We appreciate. The small and big things.
We're entirely different.
We seem distant.

But I'm afraid time has dealt its cards.
Maybe we're too far apart to ever be together.
I'm scared and confused.
That's why I haven't said yes or no.
I don't know if we'll stay unbruised
From the hurt-maybe we should let it go.
So many questions not enough answers.
It's all frustrating because I may appear disconnected or not bothered by
what's happening but really,
My silence is only me expressing confusion.
I'm scared of hurting anyone. That's why I don't give answers to some questions.

We're both hiding the truth.
We're both saying its okay when it's not.
We're not willing to put our pride aside.
All in the name of love and leaving the past behind.
We're not perfect, no not even close.
But being that far away i oppose.
We're really not showing who we are.
We're what they want us to be.
When will I see?
That we can't live in two different personalities?
What are we?
We are plausible treasures.
And what am I?
I am confused.




Quote for the Day.
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, but just felt in the heart."
-Hellen Keller.

To Whom it May Concern.

Dear Reader,
I'm confused. Scared.
This shouldn't be new seeing as half of the time this is how i am. Not the scared part but the whole confusion thing.
I'm really worried about everything.
Could someone tell me why i always end up caring so much about everyone else that i forget about myself?
Or why in the midst of something important my brain freezes? Just stops?
It's a bad habit i've developed.
Freezing.
And no i dont mean this literally.
I know some of the people close to me won't say it, but i can be frustrating at times.
Call me weird or weak, but i like knowing that people don't hate me. At least the important people. But honestly in general i dislike the thought of someone hating me.
That's why i make sure that the person i am remains the same .i.e. my personality never changes. And i like being the person my friends can come and talk to.
But i have a good reason for it. For being the way i am.
Half of the time i'm not thinking of my feelings or how I'D feel in the end.
I'm thinking of the other person!
Frustrating huh?
If you can keep up with me, and understand all thats going through my mind then please tell me. I need help sometimes knowing whats going on up there.
So in the end it all comes down to me being scared of hurt?or loss?
I think it's both.

So my dear reader, hopefully you'll understand that i mean no harm.
Deep down i'm just a scared little person. I try hiding it. Infact i think i hide it very very well.
But thats not the point. And what is the point?
Point is....................
right, i just lost what the point is!
Seriously, my little memory lapses make me wonder how i ever do well in school!

Maybe if you want to understand why this behaviour creeped in my life, you should look at the year 2005.
I try not to make excuses using my past but its not an excuse!
Its the truth.
And because of my experiences in life, i want to care more, love more, live more, dream more, encourage more, hate less. I want to live a life where i'm the best of me each and every day.
And most of all i am going to laugh more,and smile more.
:)

And for my quote.

"I want to go to a place where i can hold the intangible,
And let go of the pain with all of my might.
I want to go to a place where i'm suspended in happiness.
Somewhere between dark and light where wrong becomes right."
-India Arie, Beautiful.

Litany by Billy Collins

I absolutely fell in love with this poem when i read it.
Its funny as well, if you look into the deeper meaning.
And no, its not about love.


You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and-somehow-the wine.

Quote for the Day.
"I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house."
-Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Time.

Time can be good or bad.
Depending on how you look at it.
Tonight i talked to someone i hadn't talked to in close to two years.
She had practically raised me.
And in her family i was welcomed.
I felt as though i belonged.

But certain things happened. Certain people got annoyed, angered even.
Circumstances forced me and her not to speak.
Of course i wanted to speak to her. The only reason i didn't was because i didnt know how to. Lost her email address and didn't have her phone number.

Years ago, i used to always go to her house and spend months on end there.
It was always peaceful compared to my own home at the time.
I bet it still is today.
I wish her and her family knew how grateful i am for everything they've done for me.
I feel horrible that i couldn't talk to them but its better now than never.

So anyway when she picked up the phone and i told her who it was calling, i almost felt the disappointment in her voice.
She was polite but i had to read between the lines to know that she wasn't as overjoyed as i was for the phone call.

I won't lie, i'm pretty sad.
I cried.
Because this one person, the one i used to share all my hopes and dreams with has now completely forgotten about me.
I told her what i hope to do in the future and then asked what she thought.
She said "How can you ask me that when i haven't been part of your life for nearly 2 years?"
She said this with spite.

She's like a mother to me.
To be honest if i was asked today who in this world i consider my mother, i'd probably say her. Even though we haven't spoken for quite sometime, i still very much look at her as a mother;as MY mother.

Time.
It's deadly.
Never let time force you into a position where you cant speak to the ones you love.
I wish i hadnt.
Because now her family doesn't really like me. They say its not true but i know they'd rather me not communicate with them.

I wish they could see how sorry i am if i ever offended them.
And also see that i still love them.
I really wish i could rewind time.